i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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