you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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