As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
