I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
