I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
