If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize