Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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