yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
