My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
