His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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