My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
