"it" just moved
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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