god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
