I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
