Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
