I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
