why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
please come you make the beer taste better
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
