i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize