Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
