Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
