new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there was a trapeze. enough said
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
