Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You left your phone here
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I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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