I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
NoShamevember. You game?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
