If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
