Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
