Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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