Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
