i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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