She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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