I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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