the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
