peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize