Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
