remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
