Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
