Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
