My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize