About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Is Oprah even human
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
