After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
