This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
