you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
