First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
