Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
