Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
