my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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