My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
