I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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