I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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