I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
