Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
