I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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