She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
