i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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