As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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