apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
