I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
