My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
