Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize