You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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