That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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