I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
