Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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