I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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