pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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