a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
